Make Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa."Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl."Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa."Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

During the gold rush in the Yukon, there was a bar called "Stake Your Claim" that served many of the gold prospectors. One night an elderly peg-legged prospector came into the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said, "Never seen you in here before, are you new in these parts?" The peg-legged man replied, "Yep, just came up here from Californee once the gold panning ran dry there."
After the bartender served the guy about his 6th beer, the peg-legged prospector asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender explained that the bathroom was an outhouse at the top of a little hill, just behind the building. The bartender said, "You'll have to climb up the hill for about a hundred feet, and the hill is really icy from all he snow we've been having. I'd better give you a hand getting up the hill, because you'll never make it with those peg-legs." The prospector said, "I've been walking with these peg legs for 50 years, I can more...

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at... You got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to more...

This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence,
which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time,
embarrassing the owner to no end.
Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot
problem. The priest replied, "I have a parrot who also only knows
one sentence. He always says, "Let us pray." Bring your parrot over
Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the
end of the day."
So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory
after mass. The parrot, spying the priest's parrot, opened his mouth
and blurted out, "Let's make love."
The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said,
"My prayers have been answered."

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive more...

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
The hunters "A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:

1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer.
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.
4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing.
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
6. You shop 99 ranch.
7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.
8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library.
11. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage".
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars..
13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even more...