Man Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.

One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out.

'You know the drill,' said the genie.' You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.'

'Yea, OK,' said the man.' For my first wish, I want a million dollars.'

'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has 2 million.'

'I know, I know...' said the man.' Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.'

'Done,' said the genie.' But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two more...

Back in the Jahanabad, there were two Yadavs, Laloo and Sadhu. One day, the two were enjoying a strong country in the local thek, when a man walked into the bar with a Brahmin's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Brahmins; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of a Brahmin, I'll give him fifty thousand rupees."
The two Yadavs looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for a Brahmin. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Sadhu threw a rock which hit the Brahmin right on the head.
The Brahmin fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Laloo pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Sadhu said, "Lalooji, take a look at this."
Laloo replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Sadhu tugged more...

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious. The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?" And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500, 000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500, 000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice more...

Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck,
and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an
intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person
who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a "tis
bottle."
Having nothing to lose, he calls the man who placed the ad. "I
absolutely must have this bottle, and there are only three
surviving in the world," the wealthy man tells him, "one is in
the heart of the deepest jungle, one is at the bottom of the
coldest, darkest sea, and one is at the top of the highest
mountain. I will pay your expenses for however long it takes to
bring me one of these bottles, as well as giving you the ten
million."
Being an adventurous fellow, he decides to accept the offer.
First, he gathers a retinue of guides and hunters to go with him
into the jungle. He studies for months to prepare, and when he
is more...

One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.
A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires."
No one replies so the man gives up.
All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.
The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.
The man replies "I want the Sun of a Bitch who pushed me in."

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air." Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed." You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my more...