Mark Jokes / Recent Jokes
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Having grown tired of her career, a gynecologist decided to make a change and become a mechanic. She found out what was involved from her local tech college, signed up for evening classes, attended faithfully, and learned all that she could.
As the time for the practical exam approached, she carefully prepared for weeks and passed the exam with remarkable skill.
When she received her results, she was shocked to see that she had been given a grade of 150%. Fearing an error may have been made, she spoke with the instructor.
"I don't wish to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding mark, but I was wondering if there had been an error which might need adjusting," she said.
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly," replied the instructor. "That was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which was also worth 50% of the mark. The extra 50% I gave you is because you did all of it through the more...
Two blondes rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One blonde said to her friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same blonde asked her friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
Her friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you don't have to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow". That's what I did.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you more...
Mark rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his
name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Mark smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation
with him. As they talk, her robe slips open and it is quite obvious
that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Mark breaks out into a
sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places
her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone
coming. . . "
He proceeds with her into the apartment and after she closes the door,
she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She
purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Mark stammers, clears his throat several
times and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! more...
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV
"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
Mark Goodier: What`s the name of the company you work for?
Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and
engineering services? - BBC Radio 1
"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."
Peter O`Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."
James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees... there`s probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV