Mars Jokes / Recent Jokes

I am sad to say this is the next leader of the Free World
These are the quotes of George W. Bush JR.:
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure".
...George W. Bush, JR.
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, JR.
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush, JR.
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush, JR.
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important.
We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, JR., 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history.
But we all lived in more...

After accumulating sufficient frequent flyer miles, Bill and Bernice landed on Mars where they met a Martian couple. They were talking about all sorts of things and Bill asked if Mars had a stock market, did they have laptop computers, how they made money.
Finally, Bernice broached the subject of sex. "Just how do you do it?" she asked.
"Pretty much the same way you do," replied the male Martian.
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Bernice and the male Martian headed off to a bedroom, where the male stripped. After taking one look at him, Bernice was disappointed to see that he only had a teeny, weenie member, about half an inch long and a quarter inch wide. "I really don't think this is going to work," Bernice said.
"Why not?" he asked. "What's the problem?"
"Well, it's just not long enough to reach me!" she explained.
"No problem," he said, more...

THE MARS TIMES
Interplanetary Edition - Number 34,918,495,932 – Published every day the sun shines
EARTH DROPS MORE SPACE JUNK ON MARS' DESERT
Second dose of space junk lands in as many weeks.
Greenie Scouts snapped this visual scan of the Earth debris near Grdrzzwils.
By Zmrwxysuvrityqwz
Special to The Mars Times
For the second time in as many weeks, residents of the Earth planet have dropped additional space junk on the Martian desert. Today's debris was first spotted by a Greenie Troop on a hike near Vlnuxptaqwzt crater in Grdrzzwils. The troop, led by Tzwrygmqwxl, quickly followed the Alien Space Contact Procedures (see below) and hid behind large rocks until the sun had gone down.
Sector command has since cordoned off the area near the crash site and is currently constructing false backdrops so if the debris proves to be operational, only barren desert scenes will be beamed back to the Earth planet. They believe that this debris contains a small more...

Dubya Quotes
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George more...

Robotic Arm Extends White Flag

The French space program took a significant step backward today as the European Space Agency announced that a much-heralded French Mars probe surrendered just moments after landing on the red planet.

The probe, which had been expected to travel extensively across the surface of Mars to collect and analyze rock samples, stunned the French nation by surrendering only eight seconds into its mission.

As millions of astonished Frenchmen watched on national TV, the probe extended a robotic arm -- designed to scoop up rocks from the surface of Mars - and raised a white flag aloft, waving it back and forth.

The probe then used a robotic shovel to dig a hole in the Martian surface before disappearing into the hole, apparently hiding.

At a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac denied that the probe had surrendered, arguing, "This mission was always intended to be eight seconds long. more...

Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft."
The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases." Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.
General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences more...

Mission to Mars
(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)
The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.
"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions."
The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later, headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2,
report to communications for instructions."
Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation.
Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Female Astronaut 1, please report to communications more...