Mary Jokes / Recent Jokes

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."
George replied "We don't have to go back, just give Fido, my trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day, and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder.
Suddenly, followed by a more...

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you - quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going tohear of it when I get home!"She sat down, red-faced." Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin." The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan." Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, How many times have I told you-quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!"
MICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: " Mike, can't you paint on walls lie other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove more...

It's getting close to going home time at the infants school. Teacher is chatting to the kids.
Teacher: Johnny, what did you do today?
Johnny: I played in the sand pit, miss.
Teacher: That's very good. I'll let you go a bit early, if you can spell' pit'.
Johnny: P-I-T, miss.
Teacher: Very good, off you go. Mary, what did you do today?
Mary: I played in the sand with Johnny, miss.
Teacher: I'll let you go if you can spell' sand'.
Mary: S-A-N-D, miss.
Teacher: Well done, off you go. What about you Leroy?
Leroy: Johnny and Mary wouldn't let me play in the sand pit, miss. I think it's blatent racial discrimination.
Teacher: Well, if you can spell' racial discrimination...'

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn th ing in me one more time, I'll more...

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts... groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas more...