Mass Jokes / Recent Jokes
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while
back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that Mc Glynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew
that McGlynn come to church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during
Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church.
So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't
steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave more...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he
could hardly speak. After mass he asked the
monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he more...
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:
"Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"
Pres says: "You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!"
The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.
Father, the young couple asked... "is it ok to have sex before Mass ?"
The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection... "yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles..."
The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.Father, the young couple asked... "is it ok to have sex before Mass ?"The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection... "yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles..."
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U. S. research university. The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not decay, but more...