Mass Jokes / Recent Jokes

What if Physicists wrote product disclaimers instead of lawyers?
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WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "uncertainty principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process more...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap more...

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs more...

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towardslegislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionarythought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch thesurface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especiallytrue in light of the findings of 20th century physics.We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together inan intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placementof suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offeredfor sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of requiredwarnings appears below.Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.Warning: This Product Attracts Every more...

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department, University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: ''Why do airplanes fly?''
In May a few years ago, the ''Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer '' exam
paper contained the question:
''Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.''
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their more...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s#it out of him.
9. When David was hit by a more...

AMES, IA-The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead more...