Mat Jokes / Recent Jokes

A war broke out between two neighboring countries - a small island and its northern neighbor. The southern, predominantly Chinese soldiers decided to pull a trick on its northern enemy. The southern troops called out "Eh, Mat! Mat!", and suddenly the northern troops began standing up and asking "Siapa panggil aku?" (who's calling me?). The southerners immediately opened fire, killing a great number of these mats. Furious, the remaining Mat soldiers decided to pull the same trick on their enemies... "Oi, Lee! Lee!", they shouted, and the Lee Soldiers started shouting back, "Kong simi?" (What are you talking about?). The mat soldiers immediately stood up and replied, "Aku lah!" (Me, lah!), getting their heads shot off soon after.

THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS EXPLICIT USAGE OF OBSCENE LANGUAGE IN A SEXUAL
CONTEXT. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE BELOW THE ACCEPTABLE AGE OF 18 YEARS. THE
AUTHOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY VIOLATION OR IGNORANCE OF THIS WARNING.
There was once a journalist roaming the streets of Arabia, when he stumbled
upon this authentic Arabian market. Interested, as he were, he went inside,
talking to the natives there, and buying a variety of things, when he
suddenly had this feeling that he was getting late. He looked around, and
saw an arab sitting near a camel, with the camel standing in front of him.
The arab was seated on a mat.
The man, bending down, asked the arab,
"Excuse me sir, but what's the time now?"
The arab looked up at the man, took up his hands and placed them carefully
underneath the camels balls, and started rocking them to and fro. Within
minutes of this exotic pendulum motion of the camel's scrotal more...

One day, one Mat Salleh from USA arrived in Subang Airport. After he checked out from the Custom, he felt that he wanted to go to the toilet, so he looked for a toilet. When he found the toilet, there was an old lady sitting in front of the toilet. When he was about to enter the toilet, the old lady stopped him and said forty cents in Cantonese (Say Kok), the Mat Salleh just wonder why in Malaysia, they have to "see the cock" (forty cents in Cantonese) before entering the toilet. So he said "No", but the old lady insisted. Since he got no choice, he took out his cock and showed to her. The old lady said "no, no, no, Duit, Duit" (money in Malay) but the Mat Salleh misunderstood again because he thought she said "DO IT, DO IT." So, he asked "NOW, HERE?" The old lady just reply "YES, YES" because she does not understand English. The Mat Salleh thought she agreed to have sex with him, so he strip up the old lady and make love to more...

How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do
more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs

12. Turn off more...