Match Jokes / Recent Jokes
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As more...
Irving can? t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him, ? I think I have the perfect girl for you. She? s descended from royalty, she? s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she? s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She? s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She? s also got the nicest personality of anyone you? ve ever met. But there? s one problem: she? s not Jewish.?
Irving says, ? My mother will never go for it.? The matchmaker says, ? Leave it to me.?
And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says ? Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out, ? more...
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. more...
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls. * Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes. * Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin. * For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins. * Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course. * Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out. * The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future. * It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed more...
Suddenly the electricity went off in the house of a blonde.
So, she wanted to light a match.
After being tired of looking for the match, she blew out the candle and went to sleep.
Jett was trying to light a match. He struck the first one and it didn't work, so he threw it away. He struck the second match. That didn't work either, so he tossed it. Jett struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!" said the idiot, blowing it out. "Ah'm gonna save it!"
A man goes into a pet store to buy his wife a gift. He asks the clerk for something special. The clerk walks over to the bird section. "This is Ches. He was trained to sing Christmas carols. Watch."
The clerk lights a match and puts it under one of Ches' feet. The parrot immediately starts to sing' Jingle Bells'.
"Why that's amazing!", exclaims the guy.
The clerk lights another match, and puts it under the other foot. This time the parrot starts singing' Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.'
By this time the man is sold on the parrot, and so he pays the clerk and takes the parrot home to his wife. He lights a match and demonstrates Ches' unique ability. The guy then lights a second match and does the same thing. The wife and the guy enjoy the evening with their new pet.
A couple of days later, the wife asks the man, "What would happen if you put a match between his feet?"
The guy shrugs his shoulders and walks over to Ches, lights more...