Encourage Jokes

Peace be unto you, your computer and the e'mail you receive this day.
May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.
May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
May the mail you receive not start with Fw: FW: Fw: Re:Fw:, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "".
May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children you are to be searching for.
May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child more...

How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!

To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing more...

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
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Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
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Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box. Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other more...

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they more...