Mate Jokes / Recent Jokes
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers
DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.
This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?
Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the more...
If your favorite color is: RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware! YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire. PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple more...
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give more...
Two mates are having a chat over a beer."Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?"one bloke asks his friend."No way!" his mate replies."Well," says the first bloke,"do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?""Fuck no!" his mate replies."Well," says the first bloke,"what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"
I came across this joke whilst listing to our local radio station!
There was a bear that had been walking for a very long time and decided to call in to the local bar, Well he goes into the bar, sits himself down and says to the bar tender "I would like a beer thanks"
The bartender replies "Sorry mate we do not sell beer to bears in Big Bill Burger Bar"
Now at this point the bear is getting angery so he thumps the bar and repeats "I would like a beer"
Once again the Barman replies " Sorry mate we do not sell beer to bears that bang on the bar at Big Bills Burger Bar!"
Now by this time the bear is getting pretty angery and starts to bash to costomers that was sitting next to him!
And the bear says again "I would like a beer please"
And once again the barman replies "sorry we do not sell beer to bears that bash the bar and bistanders!"
Now by this time the bear was anger than hell so the bear more...
Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they weregreeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some goodnews and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone."Well, give me the good news first," replied the other."The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply."And the bad news?""Mine died"
Two drunks staggering home one night and one decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Half way through an apparition appears. "What's that on your back?" the ghost asks.
"It's a hump" says the drunk The ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back and the hump disappears.
He races home and next night at the pub he tells his mate all about it.
His mate is amazed and says he is going through the cemetery that night because he has a wooden leg and wants a proper leg.
Again half way through the cemetery a ghost appears... "What's wrong with your leg?" he asks.
"It's a wooden leg," says the drunk.
"Have you got a Hump?" asks the ghost.
"No" replies the drunk.
So the ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back and says, "Here, you can have this one."