Mate Jokes / Recent Jokes

The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened
to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote:
The first mate was drunk today.
He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain
argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be
deleted. The first mate decided to get even.
The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he
wrote:
The captain was sober today.

Here's one people can tell to their grandmothers:
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very
successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the
world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was
admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning
he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's
quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece
of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it
back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a
treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew more...

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers
DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.
This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?
Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in more...

A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd
look since the man's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar.
The man downs them.... One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman,
"Four pints, please, mate!"
The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them.... One, Two, Three,
Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after
the other, he knocks them back.... One, Two, Three.
"Two pintsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go.... One,
Two.
As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the
glass.
The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus.
Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, more...

REAL LIFE STORY NUMBER 2

On the morning show at WBBM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:

DJ: Hey! This is Eddie on WBBM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What's your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you're married or what? Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I'm married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what's your more...

A man's car broke down in the middle of the Nullarbor plain (in other words: middle of nowhere). There was not another car in sight, so he started walking...
Three hours later no cars had passed and he was getting very, very thirsty. Just then a man riding a kangaroo bounced up.
"Want to buy a tie?" he asked.
"No! Water - quick, help, water."
"Sorry, I've only got ties." and the man and roo bounded off.
Hours later, the stranded man was still staggering along - desperate now for a drink. Another man (and another kangaroo) bounded up to him.
"Water, help I need water." gasped the stranded man.
"Oh, wouldn't you like to buy a tie?" said the mounted man.
"No! Water - quick, help water!"
"Sorry mate, I can do you with a nice polka dot or a paisley or even a hand painted lady - but can't help with water." and off he went.
The man was crawling now, inch by inch he clambered over the more...

How do you mate an [ethnic] male with a pig?
There are some things even a pig won't do.