Mate Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six--four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"

Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend more...

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves more...

Three pieces of string walked into a bar. The first piece of string went up to the bar and asked the barman "
Can i have three pints of beer please?"
The barman replied "
No sorry mate, we dont serve pieces of string."
So it went and sat back down and the second piece of string walked up to the bar and said to the barman "
Alright mate, can i have three pints of beer please?"
and the barman replied "
Look, sorry mate but we do not serve pieces of string"
So back it went to the table and the third piece of string stood up, tied himself on a knot and fraid the egdes. It walked up to the bar and said "
Can I have three pints of beer please?"
the barman said "
Are you a piece of string?"
and the piece of string replied "
No mate, i'm a fraid knot!!"

Two GI's in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit."I can't go in here" he says" It's really going to stink""There's another trench over there" says the other."I'll cover you with the M60... just give me a shout andand i'll cover you so you can get back""OK" so the GI runs across while the other fires off themachine gun.He's waiting 10 minutes... 15... 20....he shouts out "Are you Ok?"... nothing.Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting."Cover me i'm coming back"When he jumps back in, his mate says "Where the fuck have you been? you've been gone for over an hour""Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her arse, turned her round and fucked her frombehind!""It was great!""You lucky Bastard" said the other "did you get a blow job?" "nah" said the other, disappointedly" she more...

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did some research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: it had a wonderful disposition and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull, and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all, he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right, the cow more...

The First Mate of an old pirate ship awoke the Captain. "Captain, Captain, there's a warship approaching!" he exclaimed.
The Captain quickly ran to the bridge and, sure enough, a warship was heading straight for the pirate ship. He looked at his First Mate and said, "Get me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly fetched the Captain's red shirt and the Captain put it on.
The pirates were victorious over the warship and that night, as they were enjoying their victory, the First Mate asked the Captain why he had asked for his red shirt. The Captain explained, "If I were to get wounded in the battle, no one would see the blood." The pirates celebrated the courage of their fearless leader.
The following morning, the First Mate once again awoke the Captain. "Captain, Captain, there are a dozen warships approaching!" exclaimed the First Mate.
Again the Captain rushed to the bridge and immediately saw a dozen warships approaching more...

Q: What's a real mate? A: Someone who'll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one?.when he returns.