Mate Jokes / Recent Jokes

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew werein danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which thecaptain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vesselssending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calmas ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle wason, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boardingparties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recountingthe day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, more...

The zoo-keeper traversed the country looking for a suitable mate for his gorilla but couldn't find one. He hit upon a novel idea and went to his local pub and inquired from the landlord if he knew of a big man who would serviced a gorilla for a fee.
The landlord of the pub pointed out Murphy, the hefty Irish navvy, who would do anything for a fee.
The zoo-keeper and Murphy agreed to do the job if three conditions are adhered to:-
1) There will be no abortions
2) She will not hug him
3) All the siblings are brought up as Catholics

Two mates are having a chat over a beer." Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?" one bloke asks his friend." No way!" his mate replies." Well," says the first bloke,"do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?" "Fuck no!" his mate replies." Well," says the first bloke,"what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"

Two builders (Paddy and Shamus) are seated either side of table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a Guinness and sits on a stool at the bar.
So Paddy and Shamus start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Paddy: I reckon he's an accountant. Shamus: No bleedin way, he's a stockbroker. Paddy: He ain't no bleedin stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't be seen dead in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of Guinness gets the better of Paddy and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several Guinness get the better of the Paddy...
Paddy: Scuse me sir... no offence meant, but me and me mate Shamus were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Paddy: Oh! What's dat den? Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Paddy: Er .. mmm... well yeah, I do as it more...

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.His mate asked him what it was like."Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you homeand fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, theylet you fuck their women whenever you want.""Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australianswere real pricks.""Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don`t Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The more...

A hillbilly and two Indians were walking along. Around them were lots of caves. Suddenly one of the Indians ran up to one of the caves and yelled,
WOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOOO!
There was a reply from inside the cave, WOOOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOWOOOOO! So the Indian tore off his clothes and ran inside.
The hillbilly was confused about this, so he asked the other Indian, who replied, Well during mating season, all the women hide inside these caves, and what the men have to do is go up to one of the caves and yell WOOOOWOOOOWOOOOWOOOOOWOOOO! And if the women yell WOOOOWOOOOWOOOOWOOOOWOOOO! he can then take off his clothes and go in to mate.
And indeed, when they came to another cave, the Indian ran up to it and yelled WOOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOO! There was another WOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOO! from inside the cave, so the Indian tore off his clothes and ran inside to mate with the women in the cave.
The hillbilly thought this was a great more...