Mate Jokes / Recent Jokes

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these' Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another' Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, more...

Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
a. Welcome home, I missed you.
b. The phone rang twice while you were out.
c. Feed me, *NOW*.
d. So, I see you didn't bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
a. Please don't leave me here all alone.
b. Have a nice day.
c. But what if I get hungry while you out?
d. Kiss that new vase goodbye.
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
a. A sign of affection.
b. A demand to be fed now.
c. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
d. An attempt to 'fix' you like you 'fixed' him.
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
a. Lemme out - I need to fertilize the garden.
b. Wanna go out and play?
c. Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
d. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?
When your cat stares at you, it means:
a. It is bored silly.
b. It's more...

Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship." Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scotwinked at his mate." Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."

There were two rumates and the one that slept ontop brung his girlfriend and he told her when they have sex for his room mate wont here if it herts say bread if you want me to go fast say Lettuce and if you want me to go slow say tomatoes.Then the next day when they woke up his room mate says "your awake? they said " yes"well then u better stop making sandwiches at night cause you got mainaise in my mouth and eyes.

If your favorite color is:
RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware!
YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.
PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, more...

If your favorite color is:RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware! YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple more...

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out acigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand."There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously."No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?""No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his more...