Mate Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two GI's in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit." I can't go in here" he says" It's really going to stink""There's another trench over there" says the other." I'll cover you with the M60.... just give me a shout andand i'll cover you so you can get back""OK" so the GI runs across while the other fires off themachine gun. He's waiting 10 minutes...... 15....... 20.... he shouts out "Are you Ok?". .... nothing. Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting." Cover me i`m coming back"When he jumps back in, his mate says "Where the fuck have you been? you've been gone for over an hour""Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her arse, turned her round and fucked her frombehind!""It was great!""You lucky Bastard" said the other "did you get a blow job?" "nah" said the other, more...

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it more...

A Shorter, Harsher Titanic

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named' Picasso.' I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my' brooding' face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and more...

The cow
A Polish town had just one cow to its name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
In desperation, the people asked their rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
"Rabbi, we`ve tried all day to mate our cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and vice versa. What shall we do?"
The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you buy a Minsk more...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were
repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was
on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and more...

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.

"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".

This bloke went into a pub with his wife, sat down at the bar and said to the bartender "Mate, please give me a beer before it starts"

The bartender poured him a beer and the bloke knocked it back in one gulp. "Give me another beer before it starts thanks mate " said the bloke.

The bartender had no idea what the bloke was talking about, but poured him another anyway and watched it disappear the way of the first one.

"Quick mate" said the bloke "give me another beer before it starts" As he's pouring the beer, the bartender said " Look mate, there's nothing starting here tonight. The strippers are on Friday, and the band is on Saturday".

The bloke ignored him and just demanded another beer before it started. "Listen dear" his wife interrupted, " I think you've had enough to drink "See mate" said the bloke to the bartender, "it's started."