Material Jokes / Recent Jokes

To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________
I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
__6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam for me.
__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about more...

University: ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.
__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam more...

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of theScottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary aboutthe way of life there. REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you? SCOTSMAN: Certainly... REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep. ...

MATERIAL SAFETY - DATA SHEET
"W O M A N" - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 118 lb but known to vary from 100 to 500lb
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas & trace elements in most others.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface is usually covered in a powder or painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, Freezes for no reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and most precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning for no reason.
4. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol.
6. more...

Chapter 3: Glossary of Comedy Terms
Here is some fancy industry talk you should memorize.


I Killed: I bombed

I Died:I bombed

I Slated Them: I bombed

Rolling in the Aisles: I bombed so bad, they literally threw shit at me.

Doing Filler: I ran out of material and winged it by pretending to fuck a stool and still bombed.

Over their Heads: No one understood how clever my observations on the differences between white people and black people were and I bombed.

Doing Panel: Sitting next to Johnny Carson trying to disguise your material as chit-chat and bombing.

Gig: A non-paying job

Setup: The explaining part of a joke (should be as long as possible)

Punch: Optional

I crushed: I bombed in front of a hundred or more people

Blue Material: Talking about sex and/or your dick. (Note: Works especially well if you're a minority or from Long Island.)

Mike Too Hot: Volume so more...

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his more...

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time.

The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes more...