Matt Jokes

Matt, who has always had a fear of needles, was sitting in the hospital waiting to get a vaccination.
When the nurse called him into the office to receive the injection, he nervously entered the room, sat down and broke into a cold sweat as he watched her prepare the needle. He tried to concentrate on the most pleasurable things he could, hoping that would dull the pain he was about to suffer.
As the nurse approached him with the needle, she couldn't help but notice his nervousness. In an attempt to comfort him, she said, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."
Matt quickly jumped up, obviously upset. Startled by his reaction, but before she was able to say anything, Matt yelled, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank.
"You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"
Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

There were three boys named Matt, Loco, and Shaun. One day they all join the Cub Scouts.
They are going hiking in the woods today in class, and when they got there they discovered a cave in the woods.
Shaun and Loco dared Matt to go in, so he goes in trying to look brave and he comes out saying “ooooh, god damn that felt good”
They asked him what happend, Matt said “A lady put a donut on my dick and ate it off.
Then Matt and Shaun dared Loco to go in, so he does… and the same thing happened.
Then Loco and Matt dared Shaun to go in and he comes out crying like a bitch that he is.
They ask whats wrong. Shaun (crying) says”She told me to go buy a box of Cheerios”.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo.... I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...."SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 20 people nearly choked to more...

Matt Damon, appearing on MSNBC's "Hardball with Chris Matthews," said that "if you're gonna send people to war... then that needs to be shared by everybody, you know, and if the president has daughters who are of age then maybe they should go too."

The Army's head of recruitment said he'd be happy to take Barbara and Jenna, as he has noticed that U.S. foreign policy improves markedly on "Take Our Daughters to Work Day."