Matt Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way more...

NBC Today Show star Matt Lauer suffered a broken collar bone in a collision while riding a bicycle with a deer. The Deer being represented by Ron Kuby has filed suit against NBC, Matt Lauer.

Matt Damon, appearing on MSNBC's "Hardball with Chris Matthews," said that "if you're gonna send people to war... then that needs to be shared by everybody, you know, and if the president has daughters who are of age then maybe they should go too."

The Army's head of recruitment said he'd be happy to take Barbara and Jenna, as he has noticed that U.S. foreign policy improves markedly on "Take Our Daughters to Work Day."

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife, but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! more...

Remember this story when they start getting frustrated:
My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. So... I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled... "SEE more...

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh My, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "See MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!" While 100 people nearly choked to death on more...