Matter Jokes / Recent Jokes
Whats the matter son? The boy next door said I look just like you? What did you say? Nothing hes bigger than me!
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.
The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.
So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a more...
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the more...
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities more...
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. more...
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.2. Nothing improves with age.3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.4. Sex has no calories.5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.8. No sex with anyone in the same office.9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.12. Virginity can be cured.13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't more...