Matter Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty; get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't even act like you know what it's like.
6. If you talk about having a big one; we know you don't.
7. Size really does matter.
8. We don't like it when you *act* like Mr. Big; we like it when you *are* Mr.Big.
9. A stereo system in your car only impresses your buddies.
10. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
11. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
12. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.
13. Fashion police do exist.
14. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.
16. We don't shave our more...
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for more...
One More Whore And We Get Gore HONK! If you had sex with the President Kennedy = Camelot Clinton = Lie-a-lot Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign! Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency Adultery is NOT a family value Does character matter YET? America needs a President Not a Predator Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat My President Slept with Your Honor Student Jail to the Chief Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and inless than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man". The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S. O. B. come onto thescene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-likemanner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in more...
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back.
No matter which way you go, it's always uphill and against the wind.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No real problem has a solution.
No two identical parts are exactly alike.
Nobody notices the big errors.
Nobody notices when things go right.
His brain could be the perfect dielectric. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock. His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel. His buffer is full. His clutch is slipping. His data bus stops for red lights. His deck has no face cards. His elevator is stuck between floors. His face is on a coin... On the edge. His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived. His freelist is empty. His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter. His head whistles in a cross wind. His home planet is flat. His IQ is a false positive. His jack can't get the car off the ground. His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency. His mind is great at error magnification. His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. His mind is write-protected/write-only. His mind reached escape velocity and achieved more...
A man entered a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doctor, you must help me," he pleaded. "I just can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" inquired the doctor.
"I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, I seem to scare them away."
"This is not a serious problem," the doctor said, reassuringly. "You need to work on improving your low self-esteem. Each morning when you get up, I want you to run to the bathroom mirror and tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, you must say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll find that women will be buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with the doctor's advice and left the office a little excited.
Three weeks later, he returned with the same depressed expression on his face.
"Didn't my advice work?" the doctor more...