Maximum Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of thewindshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like a bolt shot from a crossbow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, andbegged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo: more...
Q: Under law, what is the maximum penalty for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY
1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit
the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or
emotionally.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into
unconsciousness.
2. AVOID ISOLATION. Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies
with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but
also is anathema to agitation and depression.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside
so no-one will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your
productivity.
3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. If your job, your relationships, a situation,
or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances, or if
necessary, leave.
MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, supress
these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( It's free.)
4. DIMINISH more...
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...