Meal Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into a restaurant and explains to the manager that he's from the mental hospital up the street. He says he would like to bring a group of the better-adjusted patients in for a meal, as part of their socialization process. The manager says that would be fine, he's always glad to support the local community.
"Fine", says the visitor, "but one other thing. We don't allow the patients to have money, so they all carry bottle caps. They will offer these for payment, just take them and I'll
settle with you afterwards". The manager agrees, and they set a date.
The patients come in, order, enjoy their meal, are extremely polite to the wait staff, and when they leave, thank the manager and give him large handfuls of bottle caps. The manager tells the man from the hospital how
pleased he is, and presents him the bill.
He looks at it and says "That's a little more than I expected, you got change for a manhole cover?"

by Robert Chen
You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.
42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.
43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.
44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone's shoes look.
45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner's food.
46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.
47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is more...

An old Jewish man goes to his local diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.
The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.
So... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread", comes the reply once again.
The manager is more...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside andsaid, "If you don't do the following, your husband willsurely die". 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctorhad told her." You're going to die," she replied.

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread more...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the
wife into his office alone.
He said,"Your husband is suffering
from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will surely DIE!!!"
"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type
of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week,
and satisfy his every whim."
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I more...

This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same.
The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total: 150 bucks!
She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?"
The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges.
She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, "I'm sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."
"Oh it's quite simple really," she replies. "I love to have my breasts held when I'm being screwed!"