Mean Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night. Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "what happened to your toes?" He says "I had toelio". She says "you mean Polio", but he said, "no, toelio". Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says "what happened to your knees?" He says "I had Kneaseles". And she says "you mean Measles" and he says "no, Kneaseles". Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess... small cox?"

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. 8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. 9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucketplease?"The assistant asked"Pardon sir?"."Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for hisbucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -"Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant andasked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he more...

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"
Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that... uh..... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
"You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a more...

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

25 rules for Women to follow:
1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we more...