Measure Jokes / Recent Jokes

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in more...

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip more...

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape more...

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the more...

How do you measure a Villanova graduates I. Q.? With a tire gauge.

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff." T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, more...

A lumber yard advertised a job opening and the only applicant was a blind man. The yard foreman interviewed the blind man and informed him that the ability to see was critical to the position because the employee would have to find lumber, measure it and cut it for the customers. The blind man said, "I have an extremely keen sense of smell so I can find the needed lumber, and I have a special braille measuring device to measure the wood, and I have a special saw to cut the wood. I can do anything a person with 20:20 vision can do."
To test this, the foreman brought in 10 pieces of lumber, all different types, depths, widths and lengths. He told the blind man to identify each piece of lumber. The blind man held the first piece of lumber to his nose and said, "This is white pine." He then measured it and said, "It's a two by four, 6 feet long." He was absolutely right. He then went on to accurately identify and measure every piece of wood - fir, more...