Measure Jokes / Recent Jokes
Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U. S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany`s leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald`s restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies` relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald`s has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany more...
A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a' 70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.
She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an more...
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone more...
A man walking down the street came upon Santa and Banta who are trying to measure an up-right pole with a yard stick.
Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
Santa and Banta say, "We`re trying to measure the height of this pole."
The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and says, "22 feets," and walks away.
Santa was now quite mad and yelled back, "You idiot we were not trying to see how long it was... I need to know how high it is!
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say;' Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt:' The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with,' Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for' 2000 Flushes'. Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving. Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up. Ask the secretary if more...
If you cannot fix it, feature it.
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole. A man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?" "We don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We wanna measure the height!"