Measure Jokes / Recent Jokes

Somewhere around 60 years ago, according to Zeddie Gillenwater of Sumerco, a woman sold her tobacco crop and, with a stack of bills in her hand, headed off to the store to buy a good, wood-burning stove."We have several different makes and sizes," the clerk said. "About what BTU did you have in mind?""B-T-U?""Yes, ma'am. That's a unit of measure, a way to measure heat.""Well, I don't know nothin' about B-T-U. All I want is a stove big enough to heat a B-U-T as big as a T-U-B."

A team of mathematicians were required to measure the height of a flag pole.
They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the
pole. It kept falling down, etc.
An engineer comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and
measure it easily.
When he leaves, one mathematician says to the other: "Just like an engineer! We need to know the
height, and he gives us the length!

Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U. S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany more...

Don't measure your life by how many breaths you take, measure it by how many times you get your breath taken away.

A man walking down the street came upon Santa and Banta who are trying to measure an up-right pole with a yard stick.
Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
Santa and Banta say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and says, "22 feets," and walks away.
Santa was now quite mad and yelled back, "You idiot we were not trying to see how long it was...I need to know how high it is!

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to voteon a method of determining each General's early retirementbonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10, 000 per inch. They called in the first General. He decide to havethem measure from the top of his head to the bottom of hisfeet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720, 000. The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretchedhis arms above his head, and asked them to measure from thetips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960, 000. The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom ofhis balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer. The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The more...

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to more...