Media Jokes / Recent Jokes

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells - "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first." "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up." "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee." "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away." "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the more...

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update
#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".
#4 Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's more...

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
* Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.
* Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
* Lily Tomlin
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
* Carrie Snow
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
* Bette Davis
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
* Catherine Aird
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
* Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
* Jane Sellman
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
* Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
* Caryn more...

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...
Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin...
Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore...
LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?
In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible... I think money makes it possible!
Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant more...

A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.
She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1".
He thinks a minute and says - "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed".
She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking more...

How did the dairy queen get pregnant? The burger king showed her his whopper!!!