Media Jokes / Recent Jokes

Seen in the want ads:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998
13 "Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported."
12 "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."
11 "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."
10 "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."
9 "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"
8 "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail more...

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15 New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
14 He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
13 Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
12 Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
11 The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
10 Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9 C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8 Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7 New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
6 Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5 Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
4 During one lonely more...

Q: What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
A: They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!

(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my more...

Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:
Here's a little story of a man named John A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone It seems one night after gettin' with the wife She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife Pecker that is, Rodeoed, fillet food
Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride She soon got tired of her purple headed friend And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend Curve, that is Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air Found, that is By a fence, evidence
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So a d***-doc said "Hey, I can fix your d**g!" A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need Then more...

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.
He said "God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female."
After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"