Medicine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.

A British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work
in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That`s nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take
half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking
for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we
just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and
now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for
war."

A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and hewas advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down hereon this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and readthat chart on the wall over there." He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye." This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is nowgetting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctorreally gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!" He gets a paperbag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, andsays, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfect! The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts cryinglike a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire more...

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems." "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless." "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear." The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son." Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?" "There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."

Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he's a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over." The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have fivepenises!"The doctor says,"Good lord! How do your pants fit?" The man replies, "Like a glove."