Medicine Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear." What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A Short History of MedicineI have an earache... 2000 B. C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A. D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A. D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A. D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A. D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A. D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Oprectomy KENMORE HOSPITAL 61 COMMONWEALTH AVE. BOSTON, MA. 02115 DATE: ____________NAME: ADDRESS: Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for_______________, at ___________(a. m.)(p. m.). The purpose of thisextremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connectsyour eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shittyoutlook on life. Sincerely, J. Grabber, M. D. Kenmore Hospital
Proctologists Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not "mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing. Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is taken, I'll start at the other end." Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor. After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a more...
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.Says Jacob:' We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?' Pharmacist:' Of course we do.'Jacob:' How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist:' All kinds.'Jacob:' Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?' Pharmacist:' Definitely.'Jacob:' How about Viagra?' Pharmacist:' Of course.'Jacob:' Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'Pharmacist:' Yes, a large variety. The works.'Jacob:' What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?' Pharmacist:' Absolutely.'Jacob:' You sell wheelchairs and walkers?' Pharmacist:' All speeds and sizes.'Jacob says to the pharmacist:' We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
Psychiatric HotlineIf you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly awasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coaton her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then hemakes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examiningher, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps sohe says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it outby putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as hefeels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife'sscreaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the generalpanic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor sayshe'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, sothe doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on andinstantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug thewife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues withvigour. The more...