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"We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income." his wife told her best friend.
"How do you two manage? And you even have kids!"
"We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money."
"Really? How can that be?"
"Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!"

Where do you go to meet the best fish? It doesnt matter - any old plaice will do.

By the time you can make ends meet, they shorten the rope.

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet? They were both dating the same girl in high school.

It's Not My Job!
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
It's out of my control.
Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, Maam, he said, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Yes, sir, my mother said with a sigh, theyre all mine. The customs agent began his interrogation: Maam, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession? Sir, she calmly answered, if Id had any of those items, I would have used them by now.

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"
So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yu cwothes." So she did.
Then he said, "Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me." So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yu...
Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!"
The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"
Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt"!