Memory Jokes / Recent Jokes

Our program,
Who art in memory,
"Hello" be thy name.
Thy spreadsheets be formatted,
thy code be downloaded,
from disk
as it will be in memory.
Give us on screen
our data spreads,
and forgive us our typos,
as we forgive those who ask that we document.
Lead us not into frustration,
but deliver us from glitches.
For thine is the algorithm,
the application,
and the solution,
looping forever and ever.
Return.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn''t want.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn''t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won''t change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A more...

Three elderly men visited the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first one, "What's three times three?" "285!" the man replied. Worried, the doctor turned to the second man. "How about you? What's three times three?" "Uh, Monday!" the second man shouted. Even more concerned, the doctor motioned to the third man. "Well, what do you say? What's three times three?" "Nine!" the third man replied. "Excellent!" the doctor exclaimed. "How did you get that?" "Oh, it's pretty simple," the man explained. "You just subtract the 285 from Monday!"

As my elderly aunt and uncle strolled downtown one afternoon they run into their old friends. They spend some time discussing this and that when one friend asks my uncle where they has been. "We just left the office of our memory doctor"

"Memory doctor? What is that all about?"

"Well" replies my uncle "As you know we are getting up there in age, and our memory just isn't as sharp as it once was."

"Is the doctor effective?"

"Oh, yes, he's wonderful."

"Really. You know, my memory is not too sharp these days either. Maybe I'll pay him a visit. Whats his name?"

"Oh. Uh. Well." replies my uncle. "Um. You know those things that grow out of the ground?".

"You mean trees?"

"Kind of, but smaller."

"You mean a bush?"

"Yes, a bush or a plant, but. .. Um. .. You more...

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.
The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.
The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.
The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.
The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.
The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.
The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be more...

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!
Monica Lewinsky virus…….. Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Lorena Bobbit virus………. Turns your hard disk into a 3. 5 inch floppy.
Ellen Degeneres virus…….. Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.
Titanic virus……………. Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus…………….. Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus…………. Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus……. Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
Woody Allen virus………By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.
Joey Buttafuoco virus…….. Only attacks minor files.
Spice Girl virus…………. Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus………. Saves your data, but forgets
Dr. Kevorkian more...