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DURING British Raj an English Colonel Commander of an Army Cantt in Madras joined a dinner hosted by the Jawans to celebrate a local festival. The menu was typically Madrasi.
Next morning at breakfast he commented to his wife, "Today I have discovered why the bloody Indians use water in lavatory; toilet paper could catch fire."

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'…"

International Travellers Bloopers1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.10. On the menu of a Swiss more...

These are stories from help desks around the country.

At 3: 37 a. m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write' click' and I more...

Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary. "Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.

"Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary. "Certainly madam", he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?"asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached", Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on more...