Merely Jokes / Recent Jokes

He drank with curvy Mabel, The pace was fast and furious. He slid beneath the table- Not drunk, but merely curious. Martinis, my girl, are deceiving: Take two at the very most. Take three and you're under the table. Take four and you're under the host.
She was a gorgeous girl. And he was a loving male. He praised her shape in English, French, Italian and Braille.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.

Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not more...

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamondsNow, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night." So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking more...

Death is Nature's way of saying' slow down'.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Earn cash in your spare time... blackmail friends.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.

Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.