Meyers Jokes

Determination
Talking the boss out of firing you. (Ken Pinkham)
Anthrax
The thorax of a certain colonial insect (Gary Hallock)
Contract
Follow the prisoner (Phil Hudson)
Advice
Pick up a new bad habit (Jay Christie)
Tangent
man who has been in the sun. (Lexicon)
Catacomb
An implement for grooming felines. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Disbelief
How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is. (Jay Christie)
Political
Scratching your parrot under his wing to make him laugh uncontrolably. (Stan Kegel)
Jaywalking
Exercise that brings on that run–down feeling (Robert Meyers)
Taxi driver
someone who earns a living by driving customers away. (Lexicon)
Catatonic
Your feline's favorite drink (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Console
Fileted fish served in prison. (Keith Martin)
Forfeit
What most animals stand on (Jay Christie)
Digress
Tinted artificial turf. (J. A. more...

“You know Bill O’Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. … He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton - he must have lost a bet - and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers” –Bill Maher
“Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, ‘That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven’” –Seth Meyers
“The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. … Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don’t have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony. ” –Bill more...