Richard Jokes

A story is told that Richard Wagner was walking on a street in Berlin one day and came across an organ-grinder who was grinding out the overture to Tannhäuser. Wagner stopped and said, "As a matter of fact, you are playing it too fast."

The organ-grinder at once recognized Wagner, tipped his hat, and said, "Oh thank you, Herr Wagner! Thank you, Herr Wagner!"

The next day Wagner returned to the same spot and found the organ-grinder grinding out the overture at the correct tempo. Behind him was a big sign: "PUPIL OF RICHARD WAGNER."

This Richard Gere public kissing incident is serious and just to give you an idea of how serious. Today when I called computer tech support, I got an American.

After about five minutes of us going back and forth saying, “I don’t know” we wound up just having a conversation about baseball.

Determination
Talking the boss out of firing you. (Ken Pinkham)
Anthrax
The thorax of a certain colonial insect (Gary Hallock)
Contract
Follow the prisoner (Phil Hudson)
Advice
Pick up a new bad habit (Jay Christie)
Tangent
man who has been in the sun. (Lexicon)
Catacomb
An implement for grooming felines. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Disbelief
How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is. (Jay Christie)
Political
Scratching your parrot under his wing to make him laugh uncontrolably. (Stan Kegel)
Jaywalking
Exercise that brings on that run–down feeling (Robert Meyers)
Taxi driver
someone who earns a living by driving customers away. (Lexicon)
Catatonic
Your feline's favorite drink (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Console
Fileted fish served in prison. (Keith Martin)
Forfeit
What most animals stand on (Jay Christie)
Digress
Tinted artificial turf. (J. A. more...

Richard Nixon voice: Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How areyou, Richard?" asked George. "Im not feeling too good today, Im utterlyexhausted," replied Richard. "Ive pulled a muscle, and its killing me." "Imsurprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George. Richardyawned and said, "Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night."