Middle Jokes / Recent Jokes
What is pink and moist and split in the middle? A grapefruit!
A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On theirwedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her newgroom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How canthat be? You've been married twice..."The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was apsychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath, she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to dowas... Oh God, I miss him!"
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
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A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
Windows2000 Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.Windows ME Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like... chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. Microsoft Chicken (TM): After noticing that it is the only chicken to successfully cross the road, the US DOJ declares then the Microsoft Chicken (TM) is a 900 pound gorilla, not a chicken, and wants to divide it into several smaller gorillas and place them in the middle of the road hoping traffic will run them down... Netscape Chicken: Stands in the middle of the road loudly squawking about how the Microsoft Chicken is keeping it from crossing the road. Apple Macintosh Chicken: Crossed the road long ago and still claims to be the first chicken that we could actually see cross the road. BASIC Chicken more...
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Just in case some of you missed Parade magazine - supplement to the Sunday Paper I will relay a story about Ron Howard and his wife contained therein.
Seems that they named (middle name) each of their 4 children after the place they were conceived. Thus one of their middle names is Dallas.
The last one however is named after a street because they didn't think "Volvo" would be a good middle name.