Middle Ages Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put' You are not getting older' at the top and' You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.

YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine", the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says,' To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says,' Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

Grandma was in her eighties and she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm more tired and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

Grandma looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

Q: Why do so many older men have so much hair growing out of their ears?

A: They forget to rinse their hands after using Rogaine.

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh, Morris," said grandma, "you've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost; I was just too tired to walk home."

Three old men were sitting on a bench in Florida when a reporter approached them. "I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reported asked. The three old men agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.

"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years." "Wow, thats really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the second man.

"I'm 93," said the man. The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. "I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some." "And how old are you?" asked the reporter. "I'm 91," said the old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. "I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed more...