Million Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "Sure. They're sixty-five million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, they were sixty-five million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, five years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was five and a half years ago."

Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says "your homework is to work out the difference between potential and reality".Jimmy goes home and has no idea, so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mum if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid.He asks his mum and she says"don't tell your dad, but yes i would for a million quid." Jimmy goes and tells his dad all this and his dad says "Go and ask your little sister if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid" he asks his sister and she says "don't tell your dad but yes, i would for a million quid" Jimmy goes and tells his dad this and his dad says "There you go Jimmy, thats the difference between potential and reality.Potentially we're sitting on two million quid, in reality we're living with a couple of slags".

As part of a $200 million a year advertising contract, the Army has a new slogan: “Army Strong.”


Just think, for only another $50 million, they probably could have bought a slogan with a verb.

CONFIDENTIAL
Dear John:
I know you are always interested in looking for opportunities for investment.
I don't know if you would be interested in this, but I thought I would mention it to you because it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of money with very little investment.
A group of us is considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our intention to start rather small with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about twenty cents for the white ones and up to forty cents for the black. This will give us twelve million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around thirty-two cents, making revenue about $3 million a year. This averages out to about $10 thousand a day excluding Sundays and holidays.
A good Mexican cat man can skin about fifty cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will take only 633 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be more...

A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop. "Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful women I have ever met."
"Thank you very much, replied the women."
The guy quickly follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars!" the girl responds. She thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars."
"How about five bucks," responds the guy. "Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"We've already determined that," he replies. "Now we are just haggling over the price".

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer. Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''