Million Jokes / Recent Jokes

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. Mae West Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. Jimi Hendrix The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. Steve Martin If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. Samuel Palmer

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house. The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp. The husband asks: "Did we break that too?" "Yes", replies the man." Sorry. Do you live here?" the husband asks." No, actually, I'm a genie." The man states. "I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?" The husband thinks a moment: "First, make my wife a better golfer." "Poof! She's a better golfer", the genie announces." Second, I want a million bucks a week for life." "Poof! you get a million bucks a week", the genie more...

TOP TEN REASONS WHY COREL LOST $32 MILLION

'Analysts say the discrepancy resulted from a lack of sales through resellers to end users'--that's the official reason Corel lost $32 million in the third quarter. Sounds like a cover-up to us. Herewith, the *real* reasons for the revenue shortfall:

10. Hot air for the Corel blimp
9. Still waiting for Sun and Netscape to come through on the Office for Java deal
8. Fuel cost write-off for Dr. Cowpland's Lamborghini
7. New Canadian hockey tax really takes a bite
6. Photo CD' The Statuary of Flint, Michigan' never generated anticipated revenue
5. Started their Macintosh product division too late
4. Shipping costs of massive Corel Office Suite much higher than expected
3. Corel C++ for Java for Windows
2. CFO did the financial statement in CorelDraw...
1.. ..and designed the annual report in Quattro Pro

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn? t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M. I. T."The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer? s ear, "Three million dollars.""Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I? ll give you $1 million, I? ll keep $1 million, and we? ll send the engineer to Mars."

There were three guys on the C.N. tower and the tour guide told
them that if either one of them could throw their watches over
the side and run down and catch it, they would win 1 million
dollars.
The first guy threw his watch over and when he got down, it was
shattered into a million pieces. The same thing happened to the
second guy. The third guy threw his watch over, went home and got
a shower, had his dinner, and came back and caught his watch.
The all wondered how he did it and he said, " I set it two hours
slow"

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

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A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U. S. Postal Service.

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An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

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A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

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An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

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A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and more...

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!... just a second."