Million Jokes / Recent Jokes
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In 1875 the director of the US patent office resigned. He said that there was nothing left to invent
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The Channel between England and France grows about 300 millimeters each year
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The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle
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Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name
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On average, a person has two million sweat glands
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Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
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Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
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Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
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The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples
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97% of the earth's water is undrinkable
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The Earth gets heavier each day by tons, as meteoric dust settles on it
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All babies are color blind when they are more...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left - phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 - are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it...
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but more...
I sometimes feel so bad about things that I wonder if I am sane. I see so many people acting so stupidly in the world, that what they do makes no sense. Maybe I'm the only sane person and everyone else is crazy! It seems like the world has gotten both stupider and nastier over the years, or at least the U.S. has.
It is the asinine stupidity - and plain arrogance - of people that makes me sick. The District of Columbia is damn near so bankrupt it would be "30c short of a quarter." The Financial Control Board gave a timid order to Mayor-for-life Marion "Snort, Snort" Barry to cut 6,000 city employees.
Washington is so obscenely overstaffed that the number of people that should be cut from its payroll is more like 60,000! This isn't cutting the payroll, this is giving it a manicure! People are practically calling this near-nothing cutback a "meat axe" approach!
All the while the city goes deeper into red ink. I'm thinking, when the city does go more...
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have more...
AT&T fired PresidentJohn Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". Hereceived a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lackingintelligence... With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police inOakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricadedhimself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that theman was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up....And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to havea gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated tellermachines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... And These Nitwits Are TeachingOur Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspensionunder his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoefferallegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump more...
WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v. s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to more...