Millions Jokes / Recent Jokes

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a
rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have
it.
He takes it to the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.
The tourist gives the man $12, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep
the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a
few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun
following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins
walking faster.
But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown
to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the
Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the
millions, and are squealing and coming toward him faster more...

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other mans hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention. ... "

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion. .. all things you may encounter this time of year.
The one bright note in Dr. Litt's message is more...

Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, "Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Bill replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked Joe.
Bill ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Joe?"
Joe is silent for a moment, then says, "Bill, you stupid moron, someone has stolen our tent."

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life." "What happened?" asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!""You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, more...

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you`re `somebody` down on Earth, but up here, you`re just another person. And, I`m swamped right now, so have a seat and I`ll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can`t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What`s the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, more...

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion... all things you may encounter this time of year.
The one bright note in Dr. Litt's message is that more...