Mine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine.=
I'll fight' im till I run him off or kill' im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only more...

My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.

I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes-
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me-
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit'
Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.

I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.

Be my Valentine...
and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue,
roses are red.
I blew up your car-
So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and more...

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

My friend sent these to me. Thought I would post them so that you can all enjoy. This is proof that women are clever.
***

Women's Clever Answers To Pick-Up Lines
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V. D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in more...

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something more...

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me?"

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "Australia will win the Rugby World Cup".


"Thank God!" said Snow White, "at least Dopey's still alive!"