Mission Jokes / Recent Jokes
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To.
MISSION
SUCCESSFUL.; -)
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when the aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares, and see what happens
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'.
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly more...
(best done with exaggerated English & German accents)
An English P.O.W. is in a German hospital with serious injuries. The
doctor comes into his room and says, "The news iss bad. Ve are going to
have to amputate your leg." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and
all that malarkey. But could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't find
it to much of a bother to drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on
his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and with the commandant's
permission, they fulfill his request.
A few days later, the doctor returns into his room and says, "More bad news.
Ve are going to have to amputate your other leg." The Brit replies "Right
then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Could you ask your commandant
if he wouldn't mind terribly if he could drop it over my beloved homeland
when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and more...
Mission Statement
1. TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.(Ha !)
2. TO ALWAYS WORK TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. (( Hey I'm being serious here!))
3. IN THE EVENT OF POINT 2. NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH HAVE THE CAPACITY TO SAY ‘ F### IT!
4. NEVER P##S OFF ANYONE WITH A HORMONAL IMBALANCE (I.E. Anyone on H.R.T., Men suffering from man-flu, big blokes on steroids, women.){{This point was added as a direct result of point 1.}}
5. NEVER FLY ON A PLANE WHERE THE PILOT IS ANY OF THE ABOVE.
6. TO HAVE THE CAPACITY TO SAY SORRY ( In the unlikely event that I'm wrong!!. If not say it anyway to any persons identified in point4.
7. NEVER.NEVER .NEVER. GO TO BED ON A ARGUMENT…..(Stay up and drink Jack Daniels instead!)
8. TREAT OTHERS AS THEY DESERVE TO BE TREATED(( Unless -of course- what they deserve is a good kick in the b#####ks))
9. UNDERSTAND THAT OTHERS DO NOT ALL SHARE YOUR VISION! (Especially when it comes to driving!!!)
10. Remember ‘ I AM GARY' (unless ive more...
MISSION: GO TO GAP, BUY A PAIR OF PANTS
Male
Time: 6 min
Cost: $33
Mission accomplished? Yes
Extra stops: None
Female
Time: 3 hours 26 min
Cost: $876
Mission accomplished? No
Extra stops: Macy's, JC Penny, Sears...etc...etc...etc...
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No! " his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO! !!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so more...