Mission Jokes / Recent Jokes
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice..but pigeon-toed,"
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls, so the man went out with the more...
Theme music from James Bond: Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!
In WW2 Captain Saunders was wounded in battle and captured by the Germans. He was sent to a German military hospital.
On his first day in the hospital a doctor came, bearing bad news, "we have to amputate your legs."
The Captain was very sad, however he asked the doctor if his legs could be dropped in his commanders next bombing mission over Britain. The doctor asked his commander, and he said yes.
And sure enough it was dropped.
On the second day the doctor came bearing more bad news, "we have to amputate your left arm."
The Captain was sadder than before, but he asked if this could also be dropped, in the commander's next mission. The answer was yes and it was dropped.
On the third day, the doctor came bearing even more bad news, "we have to amputate your right arm."
The Captain was also sad, and he asked the arm could be dropped in the next bombing mission. The doctor replied, "NO, my commander thinks you are trying to more...
A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle
one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel
lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the
fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.
They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find
around. After several hours (it takes mission control a long time to figure
out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.
Jim: "Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain't half-bad."
Joe: "Are you crazy?"
Jim: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
Joe: "You're right! This is pretty good!"
Jim: "Yea! And I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too."
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of
the spilt fuel, though by now they're not really minding the work. The more...
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"
Guess the following movie quotes. All movies were released between the years 1980 and 1989. Comedies, dramas, action, etc. Some are quite simple, and others are more difficult.
There are 37 items, followed by the answers at the bottom, so you may wish to save reading this for a less hectic portion of your day.
1) Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
2) We're on a mission from God.
3) People on' ludes should not drive.
4) This house is clean.
5) Shall we play a game?
6) Terrific!! I've got a trig mid-term tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido the killer pimp.
7) Back off man, I'm a scientist.
8) That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.
9) I know a little German. He's sitting over there.
10) Can I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo.
11) Excuse me, Dick, I mean Rich, will milk be more...
Robotic Arm Extends White Flag
The French space program took a significant step backward today as the European Space Agency announced that a much-heralded French Mars probe surrendered just moments after landing on the red planet.
The probe, which had been expected to travel extensively across the surface of Mars to collect and analyze rock samples, stunned the French nation by surrendering only eight seconds into its mission.
As millions of astonished Frenchmen watched on national TV, the probe extended a robotic arm -- designed to scoop up rocks from the surface of Mars - and raised a white flag aloft, waving it back and forth.
The probe then used a robotic shovel to dig a hole in the Martian surface before disappearing into the hole, apparently hiding.
At a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac denied that the probe had surrendered, arguing, "This mission was always intended to be eight seconds long. more...