Mistress Jokes / Recent Jokes

On the first day of Christmas my mistress gave to me,
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.

On the second day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.

On the third day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
3 quarts of milk
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.

On the 4th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
4 strutting birds
3 quarts of milk
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
5 litter pans
4 strutting birds
3 quarts of milk
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the tree.

On the 6th day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
6 cans of sardines
5 litter pans
4 strutting birds
3 quarts of milk
2 chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass' neath the more...

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

Banta wanted to determine if both his wife, Preeto and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife, Preeto, returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She slept with nearly every man on the ship," Preeeto reported.
Disheartened Banta then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife Preeto.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" encouraged Banta asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

The architect, the artist and the engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said "I like both"
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done."

Sen. John Ensign of Nevada claims his parents gave $96,000 to his mistress and her family.
Eliot Spitzer spent about $100,000 on his hooker over ten years or so and Senator Ensign spent $96,000 in one day. And the Republicans clam to be more fiscally responsible than Democrats.

One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."

Amsterdam (AP/UPI) - While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts.
"You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation.
"Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no. He eez moderne, he eez now. He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette.
"Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless more...