Mistress Jokes / Recent Jokes

Doctor Goldstein and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the doctor and says "Hi Sammy."
The wife, somewhat irritated, asks, "And who is that?"
The doctor says, "That's my mistress."
The wife asks, "You have a mistress? How long has this been going on?"
The doctor says, "About five years."
The wife says, "Five years? I'll see a lawyer tomorrow and start a divorce. You'll be ruined."
The doctor replies, "Now think about it. If we divorce we each get half of what we have. You won't have that big house, you won't get a new Cadillac every year and you won't be playing golf and bridge all day with your so-called friends."
Just then a cute redhead walks by and says "Hi Sammy."
The wife asks, "And who is that one?"
The doctor says, "That's Bill Grant's mistress."
The wife says, more...

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3. 1 to GirlFriend Plus 1. 0 (marketing name: Fiance 1. 0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.
Wife 1. 0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2. 1, squash 3. 01 and boys out 1. 2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1. 0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4. 0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4. 0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- "Abort" button (O. K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)
I tried running Girlfriend 2. 0 with Girlfriend 1. 0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and more...

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the others.
In which the engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!""Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks." That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3. 1 to GirlFriend Plus 1. 0 (marketing name: Fiance 1. 0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space. Wife 1. 0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2. 1, squash 3. 01 and boys out 1. 2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1. 0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4. 0... - A "Don't remind me again" button- Minimize button- Shutdown feature- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4. 0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) - "Abort" button (O. K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)I tried running Girlfriend 2. 0 with Girlfriend 1. 0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall more...