Mitzvah Jokes

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize
it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."

''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex?

Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No more...

Preparing for their religious wedding, a modern Orthodox Jewish couple met with their rabbi for counseling. Before leaving the meeting, the rabbi asked if they had any last minute questions.
"Rabbi," the man asked, "we realize that it is tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women, at the reception, but we would like to ask for your permission to dance together."
"Most definitely not!" replied the rabbi. "It is immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"Then I can't even dance with my wife after the ceremony?" asked the man.
"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It is strictly forbidden."
"Well, what about sex?" the man asked. "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex?"
"Oh, certainly," the rabbi said. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."
"What about different positions?" the man more...

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.

No one looks good in a yalmulke.

Wasps leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a more...

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't
enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and
hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and
fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into
each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
"Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and
inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."