Modem Jokes / Recent Jokes

Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. more...

[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they`d deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can`t remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer`ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it`s working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this`ll be the day that they die.
This`ll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service more...

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if... Tech Support calls "You" for help... Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL... You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other... You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"... you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's... you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"... you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it... you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences... you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing... when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"... you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep... you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's... you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you more...

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept..

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B & H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not more...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to more...

[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real more...